So after talking with my parents, I feel significantly better than when I wrote the last post.
Basically, I realized: yes, I already know what I'm supposed to do. Right now, I'm supposed to do nothing. I don't have a choice or a decision to make. There's really nothing I should be doing to mess with the situation. Really, the best thing I can do is lay it aside and forget about it, instead of obsessing over it.
And the problem I have with that is: doing nothing feels like quitting. In almost every other situation, you have to do something to accomplish your goal, and doing nothing means nothing happens.
Dad also pointed out that really, the reason it wouldn't work out is if I chose to marry someone else. Saying it that way was really helpful, because I realized that while there is nothing I can or should be doing right this moment, it is ultimately within my control.
For now, though, the solution is to stop thinking about it. (And get a hobby, which Mason, my dad, and my mom have all separately suggested. Apparently I've come across as overly preoccupied with this. I can't imagine why.)
Therefore, this blog will see no more novel-length posts about my thoughts on Mason. Obviously he will still come up, being an important part of my life and all that, but as an integrated part of everything else that happens.
Because for once in my life, I've reached a point where thinking is not only not helpful, but counterproductive. Because I know the answer, and poking at it doesn't change it. Because I ultimately have control over whether I get married in the next two years, but since that situation hasn't even arisen yet, I don't need to worry about it.
And because doing nothing doesn't mean I'm quitting. It just means I've done everything I can do at this point, and I just have to wait until it's time for me to take another step.
All. Right.
ReplyDelete(and feel free to make cleaning and sealing all the grout in our house your hobby this summer)
Jaclyn - have I ever told you about Adam? I was in love with a pre-missionary once too, and felt much like you do now. Obviously, you know how my story turned out since you have an uncle named Dirk instead, but if you want to talk about it sometime, I'd be happy to. I mean, I am your favourite aunt, after all.
ReplyDeleteI'm an over-thinker, so I understand that side of it so well. And Keith is a problem solver. He wants a solution, and hates to have anything open ended, so I understand that side of it, too. It's tough to come to a place where doing nothing is the right course of action, when you're used to getting it all figured out. I hate to say it, but this will definitely prepare you for other times in your life when there's not an active solution. In times like this when I have unresolved questions, I force myself to figuratively put it on a shelf, and not open it again until the time is right. Hang in there. I think you are on the right track. I do think you should find a more enjoyable hobby than grout, though! :)
ReplyDeleteI, too, have a pre-missionary love story. It involves a tangle of miscommunication, which is how I ended up your aunt instead of someone else's. It's too long a story to write in a comment. But, things have a way of working out the way they are supposed to. I love your dad's advice about you being in control. The environment at BYU is sometimes so hyper marriage focused, that you sort of feel like it's this force that will sweep you away whether you want it to or not. Just keep centered in your own heart and mind.